Le Bernardin - A Review

I decided it was high time that I investigated this haute cuisine temple to seafood french-style and so, on this past Friday eve, with my girlfriend's birthday approaching, I thought what better time to indulge my palate with Mr. Ripert's award winning offerings.

For purposes of my precious time and your meager attention spans, I shall do away with reviewing the incidiary aspects our of divine culinary experience, but will say that we were served by no less than eight people. To say we were treated like King Henry VIII - well, before he died of syphilis and ailments from gluttony - would be an understatement. Now...onto the "meat" of my review...or the fish as it were....

We both decided on the tasting menu...a must since they will not allow only one at a table to order it and since I was actually drooling out of my eyesockets (though it could have been an infection) when I saw the "warm chocolate tarte with melting whipped cream and dark chocolate sauce", it was pretty much a done deal (especially since I ordered for us when she was in the restroom...ignoring her previous order request...boy was she surprised!)

Before we technically began, they tickled our buds with an amuse bouche of tuna tartare - for those cretins out there, amuse bouche literally means "mouth amusement". It's a littel bite beore the actaul meal begins. I must admit I felt a bit silly when I joked with the waiter that it sounded like a sex toy...he wasn't amused at all. Anyhoo, the tartare was delicate yet moist, flavorful yet not overpowering, orange, yet not red.

From there we went onto a Bay Scallop/Sea Urchin Cerviche Style combo - though I assume they would object to my use of the abbreviation "combo" as it sounds too much like something one would order at Red Lobster. At any rate, the lime marination provided the perfect zestiness to truely bring this dish alive. I wouldn't have been shocked if the sea urchin got up on its hind legs and danced the Watusi...okay, I guess I would've been somewhat shocked.

Next, we enjoyed the flavorful yet utterly refined Hamachi Tandoori, which consisted of seared rare yellowtail marinated in tandoori spices - it was accompanied by a pickled cucumber and mango salad. As much as I liked this dish, it doesn't compare to how much I like to say "Hamachi!"

It was followed by the Bouillabaisse, which consisted of an Aioli crab cake melting in a rich saffron Lobster broth with poached shrimp and croutons. Judging by the mean looks and eventual verbal scolding, slurping and then lifting one's bowl of bouillabaisse to one's mouth is frowned upon...quite strenuously I might add. To say it was delicious wouldn't do this creation justice...no, it was very delicious.

One aside here, no one, and i mean NOONE in the restaurant took their jackets off. Though I started sweating around here, I started daydreaming that the minute I took off my jacket, they would use the loudspeaker to ask the "ill-mannered vulgarian" to please reapply his jacket. Silence would reign as everyone looked at me. I would slowly move to put it back on whereupon things would go back to normal. Anyway...

Our Tasting Train's next stop was at the Wild Striped Bass Station, which consisted of steamed wild bass and okra, in a pineapple-lime nage (whatever that is); coriander jasmine rice and eggplant chutney. This was one train you wouldn't want to miss. The fish was flakier than my mom, the nage was the nagiest this reviewer has ever consumed and the rice and chutney side had no right relegated to sideshow status, no, this was a star dish that deserves to headline...with its own grand introduction, under bright lights, maybe accompanied by a monkey.

The fifth course consisted of Grouper, which I agee, sounds more like a disease than a fish. It's accompaniments are on the website listed below - I really don't feel like typing it all in but it came with bits of bacon in the sauce...I mean, c'mon, I'd eat a turd if it were bacon infused.

Finally, dessert time. not only did I inhale the aforementioned tarte, but I also alerted one fo our 23 servers that it was in fact my girlfriend's birthday, and I thought that deserved a free piece of cake or pie - they brought out, with a candle, this unbelievably scrumptious piece of key lime pie-cake. I'm pretty sure my g-friend got to taste her birthday cake...I think. They also brought out eight little post meal dessert thingies - mostly chocolate related...I swallowed them all.

Final Analysis - Though the cost was right around the GNP per capita of Cambodia, I highly recommend Le Bernardin. If I lived in Cambodia, I wouldn't eat for a year just to have one meal there. Of course it would really have to be like five years, since they'd have to fly over since they don't deliver. Though maybe they could cut that down to like three years if they just gave up their precious cable tv and cellphones and broadband internet connections for a year. Where was I? Oh yeah, Le Bernardin rocked.



http://www.le-bernardin.com/menu_tasting.html

Rock On,

Aitch

This past Friday, I accompanied the chick I'm dating to Joisey to a dinner party being thrown for her sister's boyfriend who is re-enlisting in the army. I
wanted to go wish him my best and thank him for sacrificing for this great
country until talking to him and finding out he's being stationed in
Hawaii.

We were seated at a table with his karate buddies (he's big into that). I'm not sure if they take their karate a little bit too seriously or if it's cause they were all hicks from Jersey (sorry to those Jerseyians on this list), but they didn't find my questions very funny. I asked them such things as "How many lessons does one have to go through before ya learn The Crane?" and "Is the first lesson really 'Look eye...ALWAYS look eye!'" as the sensai smacks you on the forehead?

Well, I thought it was funny.

Rock On,

Aitch

Urine Trouble (get it?)

Go this e-mail at work...


It's very embarassing for me to send this e-mail....but it should be even more embarassing for the individual whose actions require me to send this e-mail.

I've been told that there is someone who routinely and purposely urinates all over the only toilet in the men's bathroom. This type of action usually takes place when no one is around, a fair guess would be that it's either in the early morning or late evening. Investigations are on the way and once the responsible individual is identified strict disciplinary actions will be fully enforced up to and including immediate dismissal.

Rock On,

Aitch

Building Christmas Party

I had an Building Christmas Party (I would say Holiday party but there wasn't a menorah nor dreidal in sight...sure, it stings) last night - from what I understand it was the frst time this was done...surprising since I live in a small pre-war (I think it may be The Civil War they are referring to) building where everyone knows everyone (except me...more on that later)

It's literally at the apartment facing mine so I walk in a bit late (fashionable as always) and say that I'm sorry I was late but I got lost...yes, an easy joke (perhaps even beneath me) but I really dont know my neighbors and wanted to start off with a sure-fire crowd pleaser...worked like a charm....my next door neighbors (married) are really the only ones I tawk to at all so the guy was introducing me around...he must think I'm American Indian cause he introduced me as "This is Harris He's Funny"....everyone gave me the obligatory, "We've seen each other in the halls but never really met, blah, blah, blah." I've only lived there two years (longest I've lived anywhere since my marriage broke up by the way)

I start rappin to my neighbor from the other side of the floor (I only have two neighbors) who musta said "THANK YOU!!" 110 times....not as a reply to a compliment, but as an appreciation that I agree with her. For instance she would say that she had her stereo on at level 3 at 2:00 in the afternoon and her down stairs neighbor would complain....I said, "Complain at 2:00 in the afternoon??!"...she said, "Thank You!!...She's nuts!!"

One neighbor left to watch Survivor which led me to tell them how I tried out but didn't make it (they wanted me to bring over my video that i sent in..yes, i made a copy) and my Blind Date disaster as well...everyone there was listening to me at this point (aboot 15) so at least peeps had something to tawk to me aboot the rest of the night ("So, are ya gonna try again?" "What made ya wanna go on?" "If a train left Topeka going 30 mph and another....")

My fave person there was a friend of the Hosts who I overheard works as a fotog for a modeling agency. Needless to say, the moment I heard this I had to walk up to him and say, while showing him my profile, "So tell me, whaddaya think? Am I beautiful or what...and be brutal...be brutal!" He said I was too short and old to be a fashion model (and i STILL think he was being polite) but I could do print ads...that my face does have a lot of "character"...I said, "Oh, like The Gap...perhaps Banana Republic....Sears?" He said not really, more like for pharmaceutical companies....riiiiiight.......I can see it now, I'd be the "before" picture of someone with Elephant Man Head or Jaundice....ack ...he gave me his card
though.

Another great guest was this former bigshot advertising dood who was obviously totally burnt out (he now stays home and his wife works)....he kept forgetting what he was saying and constantly asked, "Where was I?" I would always answer with a slogan, "Uhhh, you were saying that you believe in Crystal Light because it believes in you." or "You were saying that Dodge trucks are Ram tough!". He thought I should go into advertising (yeah...i wanna end up sounding like I had a lobotomy) - he was also a friend of the hosts...unfortunately, all the neighbors were boring so I will continue to just nod and walk as I pass them through the halls of 417 E 78th Street.

At least they had little pizzas and pigs in blankets

Rock On,

Aitch

Talk Dirty to Me

Here's a lil known and kinda odd fact about me - Though I've dated a lot of people (mostly women), I've never had anyone tell me they wanted me to talk dirty to them...

...until Saturday Night.

It creates a problem for two reasons...Firstly, I'm not all that good at making ANY kind of small talk - on first dates with chicks I've met online, I write down a few things about them that I can ask about so we dont end up talking abut the weather. Secondly, I'm not good under pressure. Even from way back when I was pitching in little league and pulled a Kenny Rogers (in the last inning, with the bases loaded, two outs, and a 3-2 count in a tie game, I threw the ball over the catcher's - and umpire's - head...for all I know, it's still rolling). And me in bed with someone is pressure enough... I don't need the added work. She may as well have asked me to juggle swords as well.

"Come on, just try it," she whispered. "Tell me something dirty."
"Umm, okay, ummm, I haven't showered in a week."
"C'mon, be serious."
Figuring I'd make a play on our Jewish roots, I tried, "Wanna see my menorah?"
"That's serious?!?"
"Gimmee one more chance... "
"One more..."
"Okay, I, uhhh, think you're hot."
"Oh yeah? How hot?"
"Umm, hotter than George Brett after his homer was disallowed in the pine tar game?"
"What?" she asked, pulling away.
"Well, I can't help it...I always think of baseball."
"Uggh, forget it."
"I'll work on it."

So leave me alone today... I'm busy googling (which sounds pretty dirty in and of itself).

Rock on,

Aitch

Last Night's Date

Here's Reason Number 2,192 of the captivating series "Why I'm Dying Alone" -


After knowing me for two hours, my date last night called me, and I
quote, an "educated putz."

Eh...I've been called worse.

Sheer Horror/Abject Disgust

Had a date last night - nothing to write home about (or blog) but my favorite part was her face going a hazy shade of ashen white when I told her that i turned down a gig that woulda paid me 30% more because I decided I'm happy where I am (i'll never work 8-8) and i'm a "work to live..not live to work" kinda guy.

I can only describe her expression as a mixture of sheer horror mixed with abject disgust.

Awesome....

Rock On,

Aitch