Rochester: The City That Never Diets

Rich (my bro), Vic (friend), and I take Jet Blue up there Friday morning - in a Sign of Things to Come, we had chocolate cookies and soda on the plane (also saw an
episode of The White Shadow...that Salami sure was a hothead)....for
breakfast (though Vic I think had a juice box) - While waiting for Matt at
the airport, we begin to notice something is frighteningly amiss
(another Sign of Things to Come) - unless there is a Richard Simmons
convention there this weekend, the place was full (and I mean FULL) of Big
Beautiful Women (as they would probably call themselves).

ANYWAY, We go to Matt's and immediately fire up the que - by 11 AM, we're eating Cheddarwursts (hot dogs with cheese in them) and cheesebugers (those are hamburgers with cheese on them) and drinkin' Ice (Smirnoff natch') - we also opened a box
of fudge stripe cookies (thankfully Matt had several boxes) as well as a
chocolate chip fudge cake (hey, when in Fatopia...).

We go to check Rich and Vic in at Chez Days Inn - they put them in The Last
Room on the Left - odd in that there didn't seem to be anyone occupying any
of the closer rooms judging by the dearth of cars in the lot. We assumed
it was so no one can hear the screams.

So we left Fatropolis and head out to Buffalo (no need to change name) for
the evening. Our first stop is a bar called SoHo's which Matt told us
usually has a lot of hot chicks - well, Matt lied - the only hot chicks
there were the waitresses - the patrons all looked like contestants in a
"Who Has the Biggest Love Handles" contest. On the bright side, they have
a free carving board buffet. Lemmee tell ya, if they had turkey and roast
beef like this at Shawshank, I'm pretty sure Andy woulda never tried to
escape - it was amazing, the kind they must serve at Dorsia. Left there to
go to a Buffalo Bison game (minor league baseball) - we were kinda full at
this point so we just had ice cream, beer, and hot dogs and fries. Rich
was absolutely mesmorized by the crazy capers of the mascots (I think he
may have found his life's calling). The seats at this park I believe were
designed for Japanese midgets. I don't know how three quarters the
population fits. After the game, we went to The Anchor Bar where they
serve The Original Buffalo Wings (something tells me it's like Rays in
Manhattan...every other block has a place claiming that title) - we did a
lousy job eating there though probably understandable given that we haven't
stopped since we got there (Since we were in Buffalo, at a wing place, Vic
got the sausage ravioli...natch')

Saturday morning I wake up to a couple more slices of chocolate chip fudge
cake - also had a pop tart or two - and had some oatmeal (my version of
people who get a supersized Big Mac combo meal...and a Diet Coke). We head
out to a water/amusement park. As I said last year, the chicks at this
place have more tattoos than teeth. The less said about the chicks the
better. Anyway, the company Matt works for has a part stationed off for
free food (two words that are great separately but are magical together).
After going on some of the rides in the morning (Vic and I go on the roller
coasters, the Screaming Eagles, the Wheel of Death, etc - Rich went on the
Tea Cup, the Wheel of Love, etc), we hit the B-B-Q -

What's better than dawgs, burgas, and ice cream sandwiches you ask? FREE dawgs, FREE burgas,and FREE ice cream sandwiches - I ate about four of each as did Rich and
Mat...Vic had a salad with a lovely low-fat raspberry vinagrette. Checked
out the water rides after lunch which were fun though I no longer have a
desire to take an Alaskan cruise to go whale watching (sense a theme
here?). "Ya put a bolt on some of their necks and you'd see villagers
chasing them with torches" (damn I love that line).

Adam joins us and after pitstopping at the house. We change into these
orange "federal prison" shirts (with inmate numbers on the back) that Vic
and Rich brought. I don't think it gets any funnier than that. We head out
to catch a Rochester Red Wings (minor league baseball) game. We ate steak
sandwiches, the Worst Fries Ever (thanks Adam), beer, cotton candy (well, I
did) and ice cream (well, I did). I think Vic ate carrot and celery
sticks. Once again, Rich was mesmorized by the wacky antics of the
mascots. Around the fifth inning, my birthday was announced and was stated
on the scorboard thusly, "HAPPY 50th HARRIS BLOOM" (thanks again Adam...for
those that dont know, it's not my birthday...and I'm nowhere near
50...though I will be leaving the coveted18-34 demographic that advertisers
crave soon). Did I mention how half this town coulda been the
understudy for Gilbert Grape's mom?

After the game we head to Jillian's, a sports bar/game room/bowling
alley/dance club. Good time there - watched some preseason football,
bowled (Matt won...I sucked) and played some air hockey. I chased away
some bachlorette party with my New Yawk charm. Couple of cute chicks there
but overall the pickins were slim (unlike the chicks).

Woke up Sunday and went to The Cracker Barrel for breakfast. I'm assuming
this meal is representative of the average meal eaten in Fattown, USA.
After squeezing our way through the salivating patrons to get to our table,
they started us off with biscuits and a gravy, which looked like lard - the
only think I know that was in it was bits of sausage. It tasted a heck of
a lot better than it looked. My $6 breakfast consisted of scrambled eggs,
hash browns, thick sliced bacon and three large pancakes. After, we went
to Matt's in-law's cottage by the lake where we rode thier boat and ogled
Matt's wife's 21 year old sister. We took some of the bef teriyaki (it
wasn't beef, it was bef) for a last que at Matt's - left Matt's, caught our flight, ate some cookies courtesy of Jet Blue (Vic had animal crackers) and arrived back in sweaty, disgusting...but thin New Yawk last night. Hit my gym this morning. I aint weighing myself for a week...at least.

Rock On,

Aitch