http://www.reallysmalltalk.com/subway.htm
So I was on the subway going home from to Manhattan from my bro's in Bayside yesterday. I looked up momentarily from my newspaper and saw I was sitting opposite two women, both approx 60 years old. One of them caught my eyes and asked me something but I couldn't hear her over the train noise.
"Excuse me?" I asked.
"Inettocdndpsjdffsdfk," she said again. I looked at the lady next to her for help, but she just shrugged and went back to her newspaper.
"I'm sorry. I couldn't understand you." I asked again, arching towards her.
"I said 'Who told you the train will stop forever?'" she loudly repeated.
I looked at the other woman, who looked at me, shrugged, and went back to her paper. Realizing the woman was insane, I gave her the one answer I hoped would get her off my case.
"She told me," I said, and pointed at the newspaper reader. The paper reader laughed. The other woman started peppering her with questions as I went back to my paper.
When the sane woman was getting off at the next stop, she stopped momentarily to ask/tell me, "You couldn't say the radio?"
Rock On,
Aitch
Friday, January 26, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Getting Critiqued
So I did a ten minute set at Gotham Tuesday night and was critiqued by the owner (Chris) afterwards. My critique was fairly uneventful (I need to write more personal stuff, good for amount of time I've been doing stand-up...) -
What was memorable was the actual greeting. Since I was the first "auditioning" comic to perform, I was the first to get critiqued. I was told to go to the table Chris watched the show from in the back.
When I got there, I said, "Hi, I'm Harris" and started to sit at the seat next to him. As I was sitting he gestured with his right hand for me to sit across from him. I thought he was extending his hand to shake mine, so I extended my right hand. As I did that, he pulled his hand back (since he was just telling me where to sit). So then I pulled my hand back... but not before he realized that I had extended my hand to shake his so he re-extended his hand, this time to meet my handshake. Yes, I then re-extended my hand to shake his, but this time I was just too late as his hand once again receded. Then, we both gave up, well, I'm assuming he gave up...I was just too embarrassed to try again.
(I did shake his hand after).
Rock On,
Aitch
What was memorable was the actual greeting. Since I was the first "auditioning" comic to perform, I was the first to get critiqued. I was told to go to the table Chris watched the show from in the back.
When I got there, I said, "Hi, I'm Harris" and started to sit at the seat next to him. As I was sitting he gestured with his right hand for me to sit across from him. I thought he was extending his hand to shake mine, so I extended my right hand. As I did that, he pulled his hand back (since he was just telling me where to sit). So then I pulled my hand back... but not before he realized that I had extended my hand to shake his so he re-extended his hand, this time to meet my handshake. Yes, I then re-extended my hand to shake his, but this time I was just too late as his hand once again receded. Then, we both gave up, well, I'm assuming he gave up...I was just too embarrassed to try again.
(I did shake his hand after).
Rock On,
Aitch
Monday, January 15, 2007
The Mail Dude
So a while ago, the insane dude who works in the mailroom handed his beeper to the CFO, telling him that it didn't work.
Upon receiving it, the CFO noticed that it was wet, with water seeping out. He asked MailDude why it's wet.
"Oh, it dropped in the urinal while I was pissin'."
Rock On,
Aitch
Upon receiving it, the CFO noticed that it was wet, with water seeping out. He asked MailDude why it's wet.
"Oh, it dropped in the urinal while I was pissin'."
Rock On,
Aitch
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Pizzeria Uno's Never Tasted So Good
I was pleasantly surprised how she didn't return her meal once (next week's over/under has been reduced to one) however, it took us four restaurants to find one to eat at.
The first one was too crowded, the second was Pizzeria Uno and she didn't
wanna eat there, the third was interesting. There was a lunch menu on the
window so we go in, take off our coats, scarves, hats, sit down, blah,
blah, blah. The waitress comes by with the menus and I immediately i say
to myself, "Harris, we have a problem". It was only a brunch menu. I then
see mom frantically searching front and back for a lunch menu to no avail.
She questions the waitress about it, who replies that they are only serving
brunch and mom immediately starts with the "No, I dont want brunch....no,
no, no..."
"Okay, mom, let's go then", as I begin redressing.
"No, first I wanna talk to the manager."
"Uh, mom, I'm huuungry." This went on for a while - we went outside and she saw the lunch menu again without any specific mention of what times lunch is served. The she says that she wants to go back in to complain to the manager when I tell her to be a lunatic on her own time. We ate at Pizzeria Uno.
Rock On,
Aitch
The first one was too crowded, the second was Pizzeria Uno and she didn't
wanna eat there, the third was interesting. There was a lunch menu on the
window so we go in, take off our coats, scarves, hats, sit down, blah,
blah, blah. The waitress comes by with the menus and I immediately i say
to myself, "Harris, we have a problem". It was only a brunch menu. I then
see mom frantically searching front and back for a lunch menu to no avail.
She questions the waitress about it, who replies that they are only serving
brunch and mom immediately starts with the "No, I dont want brunch....no,
no, no..."
"Okay, mom, let's go then", as I begin redressing.
"No, first I wanna talk to the manager."
"Uh, mom, I'm huuungry." This went on for a while - we went outside and she saw the lunch menu again without any specific mention of what times lunch is served. The she says that she wants to go back in to complain to the manager when I tell her to be a lunatic on her own time. We ate at Pizzeria Uno.
Rock On,
Aitch
Sunday, January 7, 2007
My Version of "Guns or Butter?"
One of my Christmas gifts was a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.
I went at lunchtime to buy a few books but couldn't help but notice the Godiva chocolate bars lined up by the registers. I began to wonder if I could use my certificate to buy candy.
Raspberry, Almonds and Toffee, and Dark....I took two of each, figuring I'll ask if I can use the card while I buy the one book I took (felt like an idiot just buyng candy).
The line was like a wishbone, and I begged the person next to me to go in front of me even though she said I was definitely there first, which I was but didn't want anyone around when I asked about the chocolates. While waiting for her to complete her purchase, I decided that I would feel like an idiot if I cant use the card to buy the chocolate so I put the chocolate back. When I got to the front, I pretended to just noticce the chocolate and casually asked the salesperson if I could, in fact, use my card to buy chocolate bars.
"Sure."
I told him I'll be RIGHT back.
And THAT'S why I'm sittin' here with 4 Chocolate Raspberry...4 Chocolate with Almonds and Toffee, and 3 Dark Chocolate Godiva Chocolate Bars in my desk.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna return the book I bought and buy more chocolate.
Rock On,
Aitch
I went at lunchtime to buy a few books but couldn't help but notice the Godiva chocolate bars lined up by the registers. I began to wonder if I could use my certificate to buy candy.
Raspberry, Almonds and Toffee, and Dark....I took two of each, figuring I'll ask if I can use the card while I buy the one book I took (felt like an idiot just buyng candy).
The line was like a wishbone, and I begged the person next to me to go in front of me even though she said I was definitely there first, which I was but didn't want anyone around when I asked about the chocolates. While waiting for her to complete her purchase, I decided that I would feel like an idiot if I cant use the card to buy the chocolate so I put the chocolate back. When I got to the front, I pretended to just noticce the chocolate and casually asked the salesperson if I could, in fact, use my card to buy chocolate bars.
"Sure."
I told him I'll be RIGHT back.
And THAT'S why I'm sittin' here with 4 Chocolate Raspberry...4 Chocolate with Almonds and Toffee, and 3 Dark Chocolate Godiva Chocolate Bars in my desk.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna return the book I bought and buy more chocolate.
Rock On,
Aitch
Thursday, January 4, 2007
I'm no Electrician
So Mike, the guy who sits next to me, gets in really early, like 7 (I don't know why either). I usually get in around 8:30. When either of us get in, we'll turn on the lights in our section if they're off, but not in the reception area...and no one else does either.
So last week the insane chick who sits at the front desk got in around 9, she had a fit, directed at no one in particular but heard by all...
"Jee-sus!! Why can't anyone turn on the friggin' lights?!? Who the heck doesn't turn on lights?!? Is it so hard for someone to turn on the lights?!? I swear, it takes two friggin' seconds! Un-friggin-believable!! Everyone waits for me to turn on the lights?!?" - and on and on and on...
Anyway, this morning I asked him if he's been turning on the lights when he gets in.
"No," he replied.
"Really? Even after her little episode?"
"Hey, I'm no electrician."
Rock On,
Aitch
So last week the insane chick who sits at the front desk got in around 9, she had a fit, directed at no one in particular but heard by all...
"Jee-sus!! Why can't anyone turn on the friggin' lights?!? Who the heck doesn't turn on lights?!? Is it so hard for someone to turn on the lights?!? I swear, it takes two friggin' seconds! Un-friggin-believable!! Everyone waits for me to turn on the lights?!?" - and on and on and on...
Anyway, this morning I asked him if he's been turning on the lights when he gets in.
"No," he replied.
"Really? Even after her little episode?"
"Hey, I'm no electrician."
Rock On,
Aitch
Friday, December 29, 2006
My Feature Gig
So as y'all know (well, those who bother reading these), I had a 20 minute paid set in Jersey last Saturday night at The Comedy Shoppe. I found out how to get there, I memorized the order of my jokes, my name was on their website, I was psyched.
The show started at 10 and I wanted to make sure I got there in time so I left my apartment at 7:30 to catch an 8:14 train out of Penn. It got to the station at about 9. I asked a cabbie there where the place was and he pointed the way, explaining that it was about a twenty minute walk...with time to spare I figured why not. So I started walking.
I walked alongside a highway, past what looked like a long-deserted church, past a cemetery. By the way, there was no sidewalk - I was walking on dirt and grass - and few lights besides that of cars passing me. After 15/20 minutes, I was still walking through a winding residential area, with no hotel (the club was located in a hotel) to be seen. I started to panic.
What if I walked the wrong way?
Deciding to cut my losses I started to run back to the station (though first texting Bronwen to tell her I'm lost in the middle of nowhere). I made it back to the station in a bout five minutes, seeing the driver who gave e the initial directions. I got in his cab, sweating like a pig.
As it turned out, I was going the right way, I just needed to walk another ten minutes.
I got to the hotel and found the "club." It was more like a bar with a stage set up on one end. The producer, James, greeted me when I walked in.
"Hey Harris, yeah, looks like the holidays are gonna keep the crowd down."
Still sweating, I looked around the room. There were forty seats set up in front of the stage. They were all empty.
"Umm, I see," was all I could muster as I wiped my forehead with my hat.
The comics joked about the train wreck of a show that we were about to embark upon. They tried to get people from the bar to sit by the stage but only five or six people obliged (there were only about 20 by the bar). We agreed to each do ten minutes and get out. They turned up the mic so the comics could be heard over the bar crowd. Since I had the longest trek home, I got to go first (after the MC).
As far as my set goes, let's just say that my best laugh was when I joked after asking if they were taping it, so I could send it to Comedy Central.
With no crowd, naturally, I didn't get paid.
The most bizarre thing occurred when I was trying to make my train though (one that runs once every hour at that time)...I made it without a minute to spare. All in all, a decent evening.
Rock On,
Aitch
The show started at 10 and I wanted to make sure I got there in time so I left my apartment at 7:30 to catch an 8:14 train out of Penn. It got to the station at about 9. I asked a cabbie there where the place was and he pointed the way, explaining that it was about a twenty minute walk...with time to spare I figured why not. So I started walking.
I walked alongside a highway, past what looked like a long-deserted church, past a cemetery. By the way, there was no sidewalk - I was walking on dirt and grass - and few lights besides that of cars passing me. After 15/20 minutes, I was still walking through a winding residential area, with no hotel (the club was located in a hotel) to be seen. I started to panic.
What if I walked the wrong way?
Deciding to cut my losses I started to run back to the station (though first texting Bronwen to tell her I'm lost in the middle of nowhere). I made it back to the station in a bout five minutes, seeing the driver who gave e the initial directions. I got in his cab, sweating like a pig.
As it turned out, I was going the right way, I just needed to walk another ten minutes.
I got to the hotel and found the "club." It was more like a bar with a stage set up on one end. The producer, James, greeted me when I walked in.
"Hey Harris, yeah, looks like the holidays are gonna keep the crowd down."
Still sweating, I looked around the room. There were forty seats set up in front of the stage. They were all empty.
"Umm, I see," was all I could muster as I wiped my forehead with my hat.
The comics joked about the train wreck of a show that we were about to embark upon. They tried to get people from the bar to sit by the stage but only five or six people obliged (there were only about 20 by the bar). We agreed to each do ten minutes and get out. They turned up the mic so the comics could be heard over the bar crowd. Since I had the longest trek home, I got to go first (after the MC).
As far as my set goes, let's just say that my best laugh was when I joked after asking if they were taping it, so I could send it to Comedy Central.
With no crowd, naturally, I didn't get paid.
The most bizarre thing occurred when I was trying to make my train though (one that runs once every hour at that time)...I made it without a minute to spare. All in all, a decent evening.
Rock On,
Aitch
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
