http://www.reallysmalltalk.com/bloom_blind.htm
Rock On,
Aitch
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
I'm Ugly and I'm Not Funny
So I'm at my usual Tuesday night Opne Mic at Stand Up NY on ummm, Tuesday, when the MC decides to chat me up while she's on stage.
"Harris always has these hot women with him."
It's true...she's seen me at a show with Bronwen....Deeanna came with me last week to check out the open mic...and that day, I was sitting with Elaine and Jackie, a couple of pretty comics.
Apparently thinking of things that would attract women to me, she continued, "What's your secret? Are you rich?"
"Ummm, no."
"Are you are really nice guy?"
"Not really."
She then moved on to some other topic.
Walking home later, it hit me. Not knowing me very well, she asked about two things that someone who doesn't know the person might think. However, she does know two things about me...my looks and my act....two things that obviously she thought couldn't be the reason.
ack.
Rock On,
Aitch
"Harris always has these hot women with him."
It's true...she's seen me at a show with Bronwen....Deeanna came with me last week to check out the open mic...and that day, I was sitting with Elaine and Jackie, a couple of pretty comics.
Apparently thinking of things that would attract women to me, she continued, "What's your secret? Are you rich?"
"Ummm, no."
"Are you are really nice guy?"
"Not really."
She then moved on to some other topic.
Walking home later, it hit me. Not knowing me very well, she asked about two things that someone who doesn't know the person might think. However, she does know two things about me...my looks and my act....two things that obviously she thought couldn't be the reason.
ack.
Rock On,
Aitch
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Restaurant Week with Mom
I decide that I would be a good son and invite mom to Lutece for lunch on Saturday
during Restaurant Week.
First of all, being that Lutece is around the area of the World Economic Forum thing at the Waldorf, mom is concerned about being in the vicinity. I tell her if she's scard, don't go. She says that "it's not a matter of being scared, it's just a matter of getting hit in the head with something". She ends up throwing caution
to the wind and accepting my invitation.
While walking to Lutece, I see that I'm gonna be early so rather than get there too early and be forced into more conversation than I had in me, I decide to stop a few
blocks away and just stop to smell the dog shit. Of course as I'm standing
there who walks towards me but "Mom!". I tell her I saw her coming and
stopped.
Lutece is very nice (a little stuffy for my taste but food is obviously great...on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the best, I'd give it a 2). Favorite part of meal as far as y'all will be concerned (least favorite for me) was when the waiter comes by asking if we want coffee and mom asks, "Is that included as part of the deal?" Of course upon hearing no, mom says that she's fine. Bad enough but ya gotta love her next line...
"I'll just get the .50 senior citizens coffee at McDonald's on the way home. I could only nod outwardly whilst my tongue was bleeding from my bitemarks.
Rock On,
Aitch
during Restaurant Week.
First of all, being that Lutece is around the area of the World Economic Forum thing at the Waldorf, mom is concerned about being in the vicinity. I tell her if she's scard, don't go. She says that "it's not a matter of being scared, it's just a matter of getting hit in the head with something". She ends up throwing caution
to the wind and accepting my invitation.
While walking to Lutece, I see that I'm gonna be early so rather than get there too early and be forced into more conversation than I had in me, I decide to stop a few
blocks away and just stop to smell the dog shit. Of course as I'm standing
there who walks towards me but "Mom!". I tell her I saw her coming and
stopped.
Lutece is very nice (a little stuffy for my taste but food is obviously great...on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the best, I'd give it a 2). Favorite part of meal as far as y'all will be concerned (least favorite for me) was when the waiter comes by asking if we want coffee and mom asks, "Is that included as part of the deal?" Of course upon hearing no, mom says that she's fine. Bad enough but ya gotta love her next line...
"I'll just get the .50 senior citizens coffee at McDonald's on the way home. I could only nod outwardly whilst my tongue was bleeding from my bitemarks.
Rock On,
Aitch
Monday, November 7, 2005
My Screenplay is Writing Itself
As a sidenote, it's bizarre to me how many people tell me that I have great stage presence. I actually feel weird telling people that I have a fear of public speaking, like they won't believe me or something. I wish that I had a copy of my Blind Date interview to show them.
But unfortunately, no one will remember my performance from that night. No sirree.
THE act of the night was this dude who went on like, 13th. He walked up to the stage with a discman in his ears and an unlit cigarette in his hand.
His opening line? (And I've cleaned it up...)
"This effin' sucks! Putting me up like 13th...I effin' hate this club! I effin' hate stand up comedy!"
and it went downhill from there.
At one point, he asked where his friends were. They shouted out to him, and then he said, "This is for you guys...the rest can go eff themselves!"
He then proceeded to maintain that he doesn't even need a mic, so he stepped away from it...but kept talking. I couldn't hear a thing he said for at least a minute.
Jessica, one of the club's bookers, was standing next to me. As the dude was doing this, she was seething, and under her breath whispered, "He is sooo banned!"
I was surprised she didn't get him offstage earlier but then again, she may've been afraid of what he'd do.
He was either on drugs, or forgot to take his drugs.
Either way...he was awesome (in a train wreck sorta way)
Rock On,
Aitch
But unfortunately, no one will remember my performance from that night. No sirree.
THE act of the night was this dude who went on like, 13th. He walked up to the stage with a discman in his ears and an unlit cigarette in his hand.
His opening line? (And I've cleaned it up...)
"This effin' sucks! Putting me up like 13th...I effin' hate this club! I effin' hate stand up comedy!"
and it went downhill from there.
At one point, he asked where his friends were. They shouted out to him, and then he said, "This is for you guys...the rest can go eff themselves!"
He then proceeded to maintain that he doesn't even need a mic, so he stepped away from it...but kept talking. I couldn't hear a thing he said for at least a minute.
Jessica, one of the club's bookers, was standing next to me. As the dude was doing this, she was seething, and under her breath whispered, "He is sooo banned!"
I was surprised she didn't get him offstage earlier but then again, she may've been afraid of what he'd do.
He was either on drugs, or forgot to take his drugs.
Either way...he was awesome (in a train wreck sorta way)
Rock On,
Aitch
Thursday, November 3, 2005
Define "Insane"
One of my favorite movie quotes is from Con-Air. In it, Nicholas Cage's character (Cameron Poe) says something about not being insane, like the others. Steve Buschemi's character (Garland something), who is a complete lunatic answers...
"Now you're talking semantics...what if I told you that insane was working 50 hours a week in an office for 50 years at the end of which they tell you to pi** off. Then you spend the rest of your life in a nursing home, hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet in time. Wouldn't you call that insane?"
An excellent point Garland makes...but I thik I have a new definition thanks to my 4 month old hobby....
Every Wednesday, I travel half an hour to wait on line for a half hour (because it's first come, first serve) at the Comedy Cellar....after getting in, I sit, have a drink (one drink min), and watch other comics tell jokes for five minutes apiece until it's my turn. I pay my 10 dollars ($5 bucks to gt onstage, one drink, tip) and take the train a half hour to go home. (by the way, a lot come in from Jersey or Conn, so they're even worse off))
Let's summarize -
Time Spent Overall - 2.5 hours
Time Spent on Stage - 5 Minutes
Time Spent not laughing at other comics on stage - 1 hour 15 minutes (I'm allowing for 10 minutes of good stuff)
Money Spent - 10 bucks (not important. but still)
That's my usual Wednesday night...
Wonder what Garland would say about that?
Rock On,
Aitch
"Now you're talking semantics...what if I told you that insane was working 50 hours a week in an office for 50 years at the end of which they tell you to pi** off. Then you spend the rest of your life in a nursing home, hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet in time. Wouldn't you call that insane?"
An excellent point Garland makes...but I thik I have a new definition thanks to my 4 month old hobby....
Every Wednesday, I travel half an hour to wait on line for a half hour (because it's first come, first serve) at the Comedy Cellar....after getting in, I sit, have a drink (one drink min), and watch other comics tell jokes for five minutes apiece until it's my turn. I pay my 10 dollars ($5 bucks to gt onstage, one drink, tip) and take the train a half hour to go home. (by the way, a lot come in from Jersey or Conn, so they're even worse off))
Let's summarize -
Time Spent Overall - 2.5 hours
Time Spent on Stage - 5 Minutes
Time Spent not laughing at other comics on stage - 1 hour 15 minutes (I'm allowing for 10 minutes of good stuff)
Money Spent - 10 bucks (not important. but still)
That's my usual Wednesday night...
Wonder what Garland would say about that?
Rock On,
Aitch
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The Dude Sitting Next To Me Just Passed Out
So i'm doing my usual Tuesday AM thing here (i.e. finishing up football pool work, surfing the net, and writing and receiving e-mails) when I look to my left and see the Serial Killer who sits next to me is leaning back in his chair and looked white as a Patrick Swayze's character after he got shot in that movie; the one where Whoopi Goldberg got an Academy Award.
Anyway, I called out to him. "Ken?"
No response. I get up.
"Ken?!"
Nothing.
Not knowing what to do, with my arms flailing, I run into my bosses office.
"Vinny...come out here...something's wrong with Ken!"
By the time I get back, Steve ((dude in middle of divorce) is poking at him, while calling his name. (I'm surprised he wasn't telling him how his ex is brainwashing his daughter against him). After calling his name and receiving no response, Vinnie runs away (presumably to head of HR).
I start calling 911...of course I dial "911" first - busy - because I didn't dial "1" first - so I dial "1911" - busy signal - I panic.
"What the eff?!?" I exclaimed as I realized that I was sweating (what else is new?)
Ken comes to at this point as I continue to dial "1911" to no avail.
I asked if he wanted an ambulance. I was hoping he wouldn't want one since I couldn't get through.
Vinny comes back, explaining that the head of HR called an ambulance.
I asked what do we have to dial to get "911?"
As if I were an idiot, he said, "91911."
I am an idiot.
When we were waiting for the ambulance to arrive, he got better (he explained he gets these episodes due to vertigo), and I said, "You know, there's no reason that you cant do some work while you're waiting."
The head of HR said with disapproval, "That's not funny."
When the EMT's took him off, they asked if there's anything else to bring. I said, "He should bring his laptop so that he can do some work in the ambulance."
They all laughed.
One minute. I'm an uncaring idiot...the next, I'm a comedian.
Anyway, his vitals are fine and he's off to the hospital. So far, I've been explaining to people that I'm a hero, since I discovered his state first. So far, my cover hasn't been blown.
Rock On,
Aitch
Anyway, I called out to him. "Ken?"
No response. I get up.
"Ken?!"
Nothing.
Not knowing what to do, with my arms flailing, I run into my bosses office.
"Vinny...come out here...something's wrong with Ken!"
By the time I get back, Steve ((dude in middle of divorce) is poking at him, while calling his name. (I'm surprised he wasn't telling him how his ex is brainwashing his daughter against him). After calling his name and receiving no response, Vinnie runs away (presumably to head of HR).
I start calling 911...of course I dial "911" first - busy - because I didn't dial "1" first - so I dial "1911" - busy signal - I panic.
"What the eff?!?" I exclaimed as I realized that I was sweating (what else is new?)
Ken comes to at this point as I continue to dial "1911" to no avail.
I asked if he wanted an ambulance. I was hoping he wouldn't want one since I couldn't get through.
Vinny comes back, explaining that the head of HR called an ambulance.
I asked what do we have to dial to get "911?"
As if I were an idiot, he said, "91911."
I am an idiot.
When we were waiting for the ambulance to arrive, he got better (he explained he gets these episodes due to vertigo), and I said, "You know, there's no reason that you cant do some work while you're waiting."
The head of HR said with disapproval, "That's not funny."
When the EMT's took him off, they asked if there's anything else to bring. I said, "He should bring his laptop so that he can do some work in the ambulance."
They all laughed.
One minute. I'm an uncaring idiot...the next, I'm a comedian.
Anyway, his vitals are fine and he's off to the hospital. So far, I've been explaining to people that I'm a hero, since I discovered his state first. So far, my cover hasn't been blown.
Rock On,
Aitch
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Wow
I dunno how, but I forgot to mention this 60+ year old woman, Sandy Kane, who was one of the open mic'ers at Stand Up NY this past Tuesday.
She has her own public access show on cable
Her outfit -
Fishnet socks, up to her knees
TIGHT shocking pink jogging pants
TIGHT low cut knit sweater.
Makeup that suggests she learned makeup application At The Tammy Faye Baker Makeup Institute
If you want to see pics of her, go to sandykane.com
Her voice -
Think The Nanny combined with the nanny's mother
Her act -
Bluer than blue - in fact, she kept repeating her favorite phrase, "It's not who you know, it's who you blow."
She stopped in the middle of her set to have someone in the front row take her pic (yes, she completely stopped to pose)
Anyway, she took down several of the comic's phone numbers to perhaps have us/them appear on what I thought was her show - I signed up for a goof.
Well, she just called me - kept me on the phone for 20 minutes - I don't think it's for her show, but for another - an interview type cable access show (she did say I should bring a clip of my act with me - I should bring one of me forgetting my lines)
I tuned out at one point (I think she was babbling how she used to date Jackie Mason, whose daughter looks just like him...whatever), but I when I regained consciousness, she was telling me that she thought I was wonderful and that she hopes to be my agent.
I could only think of one thing....forget a book chapter - this is a movie...and it's writing itself.
Rock On,
Aitch
She has her own public access show on cable
Her outfit -
Fishnet socks, up to her knees
TIGHT shocking pink jogging pants
TIGHT low cut knit sweater.
Makeup that suggests she learned makeup application At The Tammy Faye Baker Makeup Institute
If you want to see pics of her, go to sandykane.com
Her voice -
Think The Nanny combined with the nanny's mother
Her act -
Bluer than blue - in fact, she kept repeating her favorite phrase, "It's not who you know, it's who you blow."
She stopped in the middle of her set to have someone in the front row take her pic (yes, she completely stopped to pose)
Anyway, she took down several of the comic's phone numbers to perhaps have us/them appear on what I thought was her show - I signed up for a goof.
Well, she just called me - kept me on the phone for 20 minutes - I don't think it's for her show, but for another - an interview type cable access show (she did say I should bring a clip of my act with me - I should bring one of me forgetting my lines)
I tuned out at one point (I think she was babbling how she used to date Jackie Mason, whose daughter looks just like him...whatever), but I when I regained consciousness, she was telling me that she thought I was wonderful and that she hopes to be my agent.
I could only think of one thing....forget a book chapter - this is a movie...and it's writing itself.
Rock On,
Aitch
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