Lindsay Lohan

As a comic, everyone tells me they have a great joke for me to use in my act. Usually, these perfect jokes begin, "So a rabbi, a minister, and a ..."

Today my friend, V, told me he had one for me...

"I'm sure you heard that just-out-of-rehab Lindsay Lohan, who was in Italy to get some award, was caught drinking on New Years Eve. I know...shocking... someone wanted to give Lindsay Lohan an award!"

I may actually use that.

Rock On,

Aitch

Milton

As I may've (or may've not) mentioned, my office moved locations. This morning, Temp Boy asked me if I had his scissors.

"What?"
"My scissors. I put them in one of your boxes when we moved."
"I dunno, dude."
"Did you empty all your boxes?"
"What?!? Yeah, look, why don't you ask Vinny for brand new scissors."
"I will, no big deal."
"I know it's no big deal. It's scissors."
"Okay." And then he slowly walked away.

A few minutes later, he came back to my desk.

"I got scissors from Vinny."

Rock On,

Aitch

The Greatest Generation?

At the dog run the other day, I was talking to a thrice-married, late-fourties, early fifties year old gentleman. The topic of money came up.

"You know what I'd do if I had a lot of money?" He asked me.
"What?"
"I'd spend it on prostitutes. Not the cheap hooker-types... high priced prostitutes."

When we parted ways, I wished I'd asked him if he'd ever shared his dream with any of his wives... or maybe that's why he was also divorced three times.

Rock On,

Aitch

Because You Demanded It!

Here's an excerpt of the book I'm writing...

"'Hey, how’s it goin’?' asks the thirty-something year-old woman..."

You're Welcome

Rock On,

Aitch

Maybe It's Me

Is it me or is this year really draggin'?

Rock On,

Aitch

What's the Opposite of a Conversation Piece?

I've always despised telling people my day job (Regulatory Accounting) since I really don't wanna talk about it - it's about ten times more boring than regular accounting (and we all know from sitcoms and movies how boring accounting and accountants are) and I really don't wanna think about it when I'm not at work (or even at work - haha).

But last night at the New Years Party I went to I found out that it could be worse. Here's a snippet of dialogue between my girlfriend, Josie, and everyone she met....

Everyone she met: So, what do you do for a living?
Josie: I'm a therapist for survivors of sexual assault.
Everyone she met: (stare, take sip of beer)
Josie: (sip drink, stare)
Everyone she met: Good dip, huh?

She "wins"

Rock On,

Aitch

How Much Change Would You Pick Up?

Like most, I went to a party last night. Good time, drank, blah, blah, blah... but there's always that time in every gathering, where I just run out of stuff to say. Whether I'm hanging at a bar with friends, or a party with (ed note: Josie drank more than I...she just ran into bathroom...I turned up TV) mostly stangers. I'm always amazed at how other people just keep talking, for hours at a time, and not repeat themselves.

As weird as it sounds, once I became a comic, it's actually gotten worse. Once someone mentions, "I hear your're a comic," immediately my vocal chords go into shut down mode. (not to self: come up with clever line). Which is really bizarre, since you'd think that at least I have an interesting job to talk about.

But as I mentioned, even with friends, I run out of stuff to talk about. One "conversation topic" I've used to inspire debate is the ol' "How Much Change Would You Pick Up?" question (well, it's ol' to me) - I dunno if it needs further explanation but, I ask people if they were walking down the street, how much change would have to be lying on the sidewalk for you to kneel down to pick it up.

(Josie left bathroom...back to bed for her)

Last night, we came up with another: "What if you had two heads, but the second head could see ten minutes into the future, would you keep the second head?" or "What if you could solve world peace, but you'd have to keep the second head, would you?"

Looks like I'm good for another year.

Rock On,

Aitch