Had a date last night. We went out for drinks. Every sentence I said, she followed with, "There ya go."
"So I took a half day to play with my dog so I don't feel bad leaving him when I've got a gig at night."
"There ya go."
"I get home late so I often eat cold cereal for dinner."
"There ya go."
"All my relatives are dead."
"There ya go."
Okay, the last one is a joke, but I may wanna ask her out again just so I can say that.
Rock On,
Aitch
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
NOW, the Fun Starts!
ANYWAY, a comic bud (Josh) e-mailed me on Friday, asking if I wanted to fill in at a benefit show for Relay For Life, a cancer organization, at Mercy College that evening. It was supposed to be at the soccer/track field.
"Sure," I said. HE told me that there were supposed to be 500 people there. "Cool."
The three of us (his other comic bud) took a train from Grand Central to the school. We spent the trip making fun of other comics (comics at my level are like high school girls).
When we got to the field, our collective faces dropped. Not only were there 75 people there (tops), but most were 'tweeners (i.e. between 10 and like 13/14). There were kids running around, some people walking around the track, and tents set up for bbq's. I saw the stage, which was about 50 feet from the seats.
"Seriously, guys, "Josh started, "If you wanna turn around and head back, I'm with you. Seriously." The other comic, Jim, looked at me.
"No!" I said, "We came here, we're gonna do it...it'll be an experience." Josh and Jim silently agreed, I think. "So where are we sposed to go?"
"The woman said to look for the tent with the two monkeys."
"You're not kidding, are you?"
"No."
We found the monkeys (they were blow-up dolls) and the woman.
"You guys will go up after the belly dancers."
"Of course we will."
Since no one else wanted to, I agreed to go on first. The MC tried to get SOME audience as everyone had dispersed after the belly dancers.
My first joke got nothing. Second joke more of the same. I tapped the mic and asked, "is this thing on?"
Jim said, "Unfortunately." I was being heckled by my fellow comics.
At one point, someone in the audience asked if I knew any "knock-knock" jokes.
"No, but you know why six hated seven?"
"Cause seven ate nine," Came the answer from several kids.
That's what I get for stealing jokes.
After one joke where I use the word "ventriloquism" in the punchline, some kid in the crowd asked, "What's ventriloquism?"
"Oh Lord, help me," I asked, eyes upward. I told a few jokes where I actually stopped in the middle realizing they aint gonna get it anyway.
Jim sent Josh a text (while he was onstage) - "YOU ARE BOMBING"
Unfortunately, Josh didn't check it while onstage, but he did tell a joke, got nothing, and proceeded to say, "You know, at Caroline's in NYC that joke got a 45 second applause break."
Jim and I were practically on the floor laughing. After he got off, I asked him if he realized how long 45 seconds are. Then I proceeded to show him, clapping for 45 seconds.
We were supposed to each do 15 minutes...we all bailed after about 8.
Best part was how after we got off, the MC got back onstage and announced...
"NOW THE FUN STARTS!!!"
Yeah, AFTER the comics. We didn't even stick around to find out what fun she was referring to.
On the way home, we didn't make fun of other comics as much as ourselves. Yup, another awesome Friday night livin' the dream.
Ack.
Rock On,
Aitch
"Sure," I said. HE told me that there were supposed to be 500 people there. "Cool."
The three of us (his other comic bud) took a train from Grand Central to the school. We spent the trip making fun of other comics (comics at my level are like high school girls).
When we got to the field, our collective faces dropped. Not only were there 75 people there (tops), but most were 'tweeners (i.e. between 10 and like 13/14). There were kids running around, some people walking around the track, and tents set up for bbq's. I saw the stage, which was about 50 feet from the seats.
"Seriously, guys, "Josh started, "If you wanna turn around and head back, I'm with you. Seriously." The other comic, Jim, looked at me.
"No!" I said, "We came here, we're gonna do it...it'll be an experience." Josh and Jim silently agreed, I think. "So where are we sposed to go?"
"The woman said to look for the tent with the two monkeys."
"You're not kidding, are you?"
"No."
We found the monkeys (they were blow-up dolls) and the woman.
"You guys will go up after the belly dancers."
"Of course we will."
Since no one else wanted to, I agreed to go on first. The MC tried to get SOME audience as everyone had dispersed after the belly dancers.
My first joke got nothing. Second joke more of the same. I tapped the mic and asked, "is this thing on?"
Jim said, "Unfortunately." I was being heckled by my fellow comics.
At one point, someone in the audience asked if I knew any "knock-knock" jokes.
"No, but you know why six hated seven?"
"Cause seven ate nine," Came the answer from several kids.
That's what I get for stealing jokes.
After one joke where I use the word "ventriloquism" in the punchline, some kid in the crowd asked, "What's ventriloquism?"
"Oh Lord, help me," I asked, eyes upward. I told a few jokes where I actually stopped in the middle realizing they aint gonna get it anyway.
Jim sent Josh a text (while he was onstage) - "YOU ARE BOMBING"
Unfortunately, Josh didn't check it while onstage, but he did tell a joke, got nothing, and proceeded to say, "You know, at Caroline's in NYC that joke got a 45 second applause break."
Jim and I were practically on the floor laughing. After he got off, I asked him if he realized how long 45 seconds are. Then I proceeded to show him, clapping for 45 seconds.
We were supposed to each do 15 minutes...we all bailed after about 8.
Best part was how after we got off, the MC got back onstage and announced...
"NOW THE FUN STARTS!!!"
Yeah, AFTER the comics. We didn't even stick around to find out what fun she was referring to.
On the way home, we didn't make fun of other comics as much as ourselves. Yup, another awesome Friday night livin' the dream.
Ack.
Rock On,
Aitch
Friday, June 1, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Um Yeah, She's Adorable
Today is "Bring Your Child To Work Day" here.
On a related note, if my doctor can take me, I'm gonna leave early for a vasectomy.
Rock On,
Aitch
On a related note, if my doctor can take me, I'm gonna leave early for a vasectomy.
Rock On,
Aitch
Seeing the Big Picture
Had a show last night at the New York Comedy Club. As I was leaving, this dude in the audience was literally dragging his girlfriend out. She was totally hammered. As I was saying goodbye's with a few comics outside, I noticed that she seemed barely conscious, and was draped on him as he leaned against a building. I went over to ask if she was okay.
"I think so."
Not liking his indecisive answer, I walked back into the club and tell an assistant manager to come out. By the time we got outside, she was vomiting.
The manager said, "Can you move away from the door?" and walked back in.
I love that club.
Rock On,
Aitch
"I think so."
Not liking his indecisive answer, I walked back into the club and tell an assistant manager to come out. By the time we got outside, she was vomiting.
The manager said, "Can you move away from the door?" and walked back in.
I love that club.
Rock On,
Aitch
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I Missed a Spot
So I had a date Sunday night. Since one of my fave comics, Dave Attell, was performing at Gotham, I figured we'd meet for a drink and then see him.
Here's my new favorite thing about being a comic - Management at Gotham actually treated me like a bit of a big deal. Waiting on line, one of the assistant managers walked over to me, shook my hand, and asked if I was getting comped.
"I dunno."
"Here." He pulled out a couple of free passes. "If they don't comp you, give them these, and they will."
"Thanks!"
When we got to the front of the line, the guy who figures out where to seat people recognized me as well....
"Hey! Harris Bloom!"
"How's it goin'?"
"Good," He said, giving me our seating assignment. "You're both comped."
"Thanks!"
When we ambled over to the dude who actually seats us, it was more of the same...
"Mr. Bloom, how are you?"
"Good."
Imagine if I really was somebody.
As we got closer to our seats, I knew I had to make a decision. There were already two people sitting at our table. They had The Good Side... basically, facing the stage. My decision involved whether to sit on the outer-most seat or the one closer to the stage. Here's the dilemma: The outer-most seat is prolly more comfortable, so I'd normally give it to her. BUT, I had given myself a haircut (using a razor) earlier, and I knew there was razor-burn, but also, since I no longer have anyone to ask, I worry about missing spots. So I was worried about me looking like some kinda missing link as she stared at a few patches of hair on the back of my head for the entire show.
I ended up giving her the outer-most seat and remained self-conscious for the duration. And I know she was staring at it, cause every time I turned around to say something to her, she was looking at me. So yeah, I know.
btw - Rachel's claim to match.com fame is that she's the ONLY person I think I've ever met who under "turn-offs" had clicked on "thrills."
Come again?
Upon cross-examination, she claimed she meant horror movies, which contrary to popular belief, isn't a big deal for me.
Though she agreed to have dinner after the, I'm not sure she was diggin' me as by the time I got home and logged in to match to tell her that I had a good time, her profile was gone.
Ack.
Rock On,
Aitch
Here's my new favorite thing about being a comic - Management at Gotham actually treated me like a bit of a big deal. Waiting on line, one of the assistant managers walked over to me, shook my hand, and asked if I was getting comped.
"I dunno."
"Here." He pulled out a couple of free passes. "If they don't comp you, give them these, and they will."
"Thanks!"
When we got to the front of the line, the guy who figures out where to seat people recognized me as well....
"Hey! Harris Bloom!"
"How's it goin'?"
"Good," He said, giving me our seating assignment. "You're both comped."
"Thanks!"
When we ambled over to the dude who actually seats us, it was more of the same...
"Mr. Bloom, how are you?"
"Good."
Imagine if I really was somebody.
As we got closer to our seats, I knew I had to make a decision. There were already two people sitting at our table. They had The Good Side... basically, facing the stage. My decision involved whether to sit on the outer-most seat or the one closer to the stage. Here's the dilemma: The outer-most seat is prolly more comfortable, so I'd normally give it to her. BUT, I had given myself a haircut (using a razor) earlier, and I knew there was razor-burn, but also, since I no longer have anyone to ask, I worry about missing spots. So I was worried about me looking like some kinda missing link as she stared at a few patches of hair on the back of my head for the entire show.
I ended up giving her the outer-most seat and remained self-conscious for the duration. And I know she was staring at it, cause every time I turned around to say something to her, she was looking at me. So yeah, I know.
btw - Rachel's claim to match.com fame is that she's the ONLY person I think I've ever met who under "turn-offs" had clicked on "thrills."
Come again?
Upon cross-examination, she claimed she meant horror movies, which contrary to popular belief, isn't a big deal for me.
Though she agreed to have dinner after the, I'm not sure she was diggin' me as by the time I got home and logged in to match to tell her that I had a good time, her profile was gone.
Ack.
Rock On,
Aitch
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Can I Borrow Anyone's Pipe and Smoking Jacket?
I was just invited to do my first reading.
Some guy found me thanks to me reallysmalltalk stuff and wants me to be part of some Brooklyn arts thingy (http://atlanticavenueartwalk.com/) on June 9th. The question now is what do I read? He asked for something "light" which precludes "The Fishkill Redemption" or even "Confessions of a Serial Dater." I'm thinking "NY Bar Scene" and "New Ideas for a New Millennium" are too short. "Busted" is too icky. "Night of the Living Jews was never a favorite of mine. Hmmm, I"m thinking it's gotta be "Blind Date Ambition" or "My Mom and Ray Romano."
Anyway, it's somewhere in Brooklyn, if anyone wants to go.
Rock On,
Aitch
Some guy found me thanks to me reallysmalltalk stuff and wants me to be part of some Brooklyn arts thingy (http://atlanticavenueartwalk.com/) on June 9th. The question now is what do I read? He asked for something "light" which precludes "The Fishkill Redemption" or even "Confessions of a Serial Dater." I'm thinking "NY Bar Scene" and "New Ideas for a New Millennium" are too short. "Busted" is too icky. "Night of the Living Jews was never a favorite of mine. Hmmm, I"m thinking it's gotta be "Blind Date Ambition" or "My Mom and Ray Romano."
Anyway, it's somewhere in Brooklyn, if anyone wants to go.
Rock On,
Aitch
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
